The beginning.

All my life I have suffered with social anxiety, but up until about six years ago I just thought it was extreme nerves that no one else seemed to have. From as far back as I can remember in my school days, I have never been able to stand up in front of a class without a mixture of things happening. I can recall one time in year six clearly.

It was Geography class, presentation day. It was always bloody presentation day in that class I swear. We always had to swap pairs every week, work with someone different to 'get to know each other', even though I'd known most of them since reception. The whole 'change' every week alone freaked me out, why couldn't I grow comfortable with one partner for that term? This time I was working with someone who I'd grown up with, but hardly knew. The teacher would never tell us when our presentation would be, whether it was that day, tomorrow.. next week even. So of course, the entire lesson I could not concentrate and my heart was thudding so hard I believed everyone could hear it.

Finally, my turn. Wait, what?

I'm standing in front of the class, and my legs start turning to jelly but as my mum always tells me 'no one will be listening, everyone is focused on their own presentations to come'. But we were one of the last few pairs, of course. Everyone seemed to be paying attention. I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter, the rest of me burning up as rashes appeared and my face turned red. When it was my turn to speak, my throat closed up and I found it difficult to get words out so I would rush it, babble. My hands are clutched to my script, but it's still shaking violently for everyone to see. Once the hell is over, for the week, I sit back down to hear one of my classmates say 'Aw she's shaking so badly' and 'she's so red', people even telling me I'm red. Wow, as if I didn't know. Also, how does that help?

That's just one of the hundreds of times I've felt this way, and I've got worse since. Because at school, at the end of a bad anxious day, you can go home. To the safety of your parents, and familiarities and 'predictiveness'. But now I am 21, living away from home for university.