If I'm not invited, I'm not joining in

People always say that you shouldn't wait around to be invited, that you should join in and have fun. That's so impossible for a person with social anxiety, I wish people understood this.

All through first year of university, I would assume I was intentionally not invited to hang out in someone's room or in the neighbours flat. I know this is not the case, that people just think if she wanted to hang out - she would come and join in. My thoughts aren't rational, I cannot control this. I find it incredibly difficult to walk into a room and feel confident that I am wanted there.

Something that really hurts me, is the fact that people do not understand this. I would never wish anyone to have anxiety, but I want there to be a way for people to understand. I want there to be a way for there not to be such a stigma around anxiety and mental health issues that people feel comfortable in being open about it, and not feel ashamed. I see people on my Facebook that do feel comfortable sharing this, and I envy them. I suffered for years without telling a single soul, and once my family knew... then my doctor who urged me to open up to friends.

When telling the people around me, I seemed to play it down. And that has resulted in people thinking I get nervous 'every now and again', so I get the reaction of 'Me too!' I don't think many people realise that my anxiety stops me from leaving my room sometimes, that daily life can be so difficult because the anxiety controls every part of me now. Nothing feels simple and easy.

Since then

So after being diagnosed with social anxiety at the age of 15/16, I felt a bit better at the fact I had an idea what it was causing this. I was told of a number of different methods to help my anxiety, so I started buying 'calm' drops, as I started getting a lot worse.

I went to college, and after three months dropped out after one too many bad times. Some of my friends were becoming different people, my best friend didn't feel like my best friend anymore. I transferred to a sixth form where the rest of my school friends were, and at first that really helped. The honeymoon period. Soon, I started spending too much time by myself as I took different classes to my friends, so a lot of 'frees' were spent by myself, over thinking. Once I got used to it, I settled down and felt a lot better. Two years there, and then it was time to go to university.

My anxiety has probably never been this bad until I went to university. I love love love university, but the social anxiety always has a way of cropping up. First year, I made friends but I spent too much time in my room pretending to be ill and crying because I just wanted to be at home. At one point, it all got too much that I was seriously considering of dropping out. I know I would regret it, so I stuck it out and I'm very glad I did! Some days my anxiety is so low it's as if I'm completely fine, other days I stay in my room because opening the door means seeing people and that can sometimes be so so frightening.

My anxiety is really inconsistent, I travelled to another continent by myself for six weeks this past summer and that did not scare me at all. But leaving my room to talk to my amazing friends can sometimes just be too much for me to deal with? My doctor gave me medication before I started university to help me calm down when I need it, but sometimes it doesn't help at all.